Greetings all!
My name is Ella Baker, and I leave for Galway, Ireland, in a little less than a week. I’ll be studying as an international student at the University of Galway this fall semester.
I’d love to say that I am full of joy and readiness, but if I’m being honest—which I plan to be in these things—riddled with my excitement to study abroad is a consistent dull ache of anxiety, and along with it, some unexpected jealousy.
Let me explain the jealousy first. This year, I’m entering my junior year at Susquehanna University. It’s a small place in the middle of Pennsylvania, and I love it dearly; I’ve longed for it all summer. I’m pretty involved with campus organizations, and I make an effort to get to know the people of the neighboring town, my professors, and as many fellow students as possible. The place swells with connectivity and kindness. It’s an atmosphere like nothing I experienced in my early life, and I thrive off of the energy.
The idea of missing out on a semester there has sent me into an odd fit of mourning the place, even though I’ll be back—even though, while I’m away, I’ll be studying somewhere that’s sure to be just as fulfilling. I can’t shake the feeling that I made some sort of wrong decision in choosing to study abroad instead of another one there (this is completely irrational, I’m aware. But, telling myself that doesn’t stop the feeling from knocking around my chest).
Let’s move on from this, for now. We’ll come back to it in a future blog. Maybe. Let’s talk about anxiety—a feeling I am sure to share with everyone else who is traveling abroad.
Mostly, I’m anxious about a lot of little things: Am I going to be able to navigate the public transportation system? How am I going to travel on a budget? Will I actually be able to cook for myself? What if I fill up my weekends too much with school stuff, and I won’t be able to travel? What if I miss out on school events when traveling? What if I lose my passport, or my favorite keychain, or my checked bag, or—you get it.
I’m anxious about some bigger things too. I’ve had decent luck with friends during my college experience so far, but I’m terrified of having to start over again. Terrified of having to share my social media with new friends, of having to share my identity, of losing my identity in the process, of making a name for myself—except, there’s not enough time to make a name for myself! I’m going to have to leave it all behind too. This is tied to the jealousy thing, probably. This fear of leaving things behind to move on without me (I get too attached to everything I find beautiful).
All of this being said, I can honestly assign most of it to the fact that I’ve had a bit too much time to think in these past few weeks.
I’m going to Galway! This is magical, life-changing, soul-feeding, and it should help me get to know myself. I want it to. Without being tied down to the things I’m involved in at SU, I can focus on taking chances. Instead of filling up every spare moment, like I tend to do, always, I sort of want to keep some time free. Start taking more walks. Breathe a little. I want to learn how to have spare time without hating myself for it. I want to have adventures that don’t need to lead anywhere.
And, sure, there’s now way to stop missing the places and people I love. There’s no way to avoid the fact that I’m missing out on a semester at SU. I am sure the ache of it won’t leave completely. And, of course, I could potentially lose my passport.
But, I have a feeling that when I’m there—really there—it’ll all be a different story.
This next week will be its own brand of brutal. Full of jealousy, and fear, and waiting, and probably, it will get worse before it gets better.
Wish me luck!
Love, Ella