“I want to go home.”
This is what my then friend to me on our first night in Birmingham. Our group of 4 from our university arrived during a snow storm – apparently one of the worst the city had seen in a while. Our 12-hour journey culminated in being ripped off by a Bolt driver, lugging 3 heavy bags up and down stairs, and arriving to our freezing accommodations not knowing how to use the door locks, radiators, no food, and realizing our only option was to walk 30 minutes to the grocery stores. In a blizzard, mind you. I was pissed, but I was also starving.
So, I had to suck it up. I thought, “how bad can it be? I live in Wisconsin.” Turns out, those cute, black, knee-high boots I bought off Facebook Marketplace for $5 are not suited for adverse weather. With no grip in my soles and my anger keeping me warm, I skated all the way to Tesco Express trying my best, but failing, to keep up with my friends while balancing my umbrella to shield my face from the whipping snow. We got our groceries – mission accomplished – and decided to sit down at a nearby pub for dinner. Our clothes were soaked, our toes were cold, and all we wanted was to eat and finally rest for the day. None of us were feeling adventerous by that point, so we all decided on a burger, fries, and a jumbo, overpriced mocktail. We ate in complete silence.
Then, my friend said that statement that stuck with me all these months – “I want to go home.” I surprised myself with my reaction: I laughed. It was one of those belly laughs that radiates through your whole body and leaves you red in the face, blushing. I laughed not because I was happy, or because it was a particularly funny statement, but because the wiser part of me knew that something greater was awaiting us. That part of me is a blessing. That night, it gifted me relief from the negativity stewing inside me. Being so caught up in the storm around me, I was cold, both on the inside and the outside. The perspective my wiser self gave me felt like the kind of love you feel when your mother lies a blanket on you after you’ve fallen asleep. Warm, safe, and protected.
The wiser part of me is the gift that keeps on giving. She led me to adventures and experiences that have cascaded into a beautifully woven tapestry of connection and memories that I will never forget. Since that hideous first day in Birmingham, my world has expanded in directions I could not have anticipated. My laugh grew deeper, and as I traveled across Europe it began to take on different meaning. In Spain, my laugh connected me to people I couldn’t verbally connect with. In Morocco, my laugh was nervous and gave me something to hold on to. In France, my inner child laughed for me as she experienced a lifelong dream of hers.
When I first came to Birmingham, I laughed at a lot of things that, frankly, I didn’t find funny. Now that my journey has come to an end, I’ve discovered a more confident, more convicted version of myself that knows there is no need to pretend: I am covered; what is meant for me will come to me. I spent a month traveling between Spain and Morocco, and navigating language barriers and cultural differences while staying grounded in my intention to explore was one of the hardest and scariest things I have ever done in my life, but that wiser part of me that shielded me from despair my first night in Birmingham is sharper because of it.
The version of Passion that flew into Birmingham is gone. She knew how to put up a good front: strong and confident on the outside, but secretly unsure and anxious. That was the “three kids in a trench coat” version of me, but like a sauce simmering on the stove: I needed time to develop into a richer, more complex version of myself. The new Passion no longer has to perform confidence – it is woven into her very nature and she feels it in her soul. She listens to herself. The wiser part of her has proven to be competent and has grown louder and more convicted.
This shedding of self has happened to me before, and will keep happening over and over. It is hard work, but how exciting it is to see the world with fresh eyes! I hold space for every version of myself in my heart – they did the best they could with what they had, and they all did the work necessary to evolve as a woman, as a friend, as a person. My past versions led me to me, and I thank them. I flew to England seeking clarity on the kind of woman I want to be, and I can confidently say that I have found her.
You haven’t met this version of me yet, so let me introduce myself: I am Passion, and my spirit glows with pride. It is so nice to meet you ;)
