A Scared and Hopeful Mother –leaving
Approximately 20 days till departure, and I have soooo many things to do before we go. I want to make enough freezer meals to make it easer on my mom who will be watching our girls while my husband and I are on the other side of the planet. I need to get my girls vaccinations updated before we leave. I want the house clean and orderly for our return (which means I have to leave it that way). I need to host a birthday party for my daughter before we go because she’ll be turning another year older while we’re away.
And I am SCARED. I’m afraid that I wont get everything done in time. I am afraid that it will be too hard on my mom to watch the girls for so long. But really I am SARED that my little girls will feel abandoned and never snuggle or cuddle with me again the way they do now. I do not want to loose their innocence or trust because of an out- of-town art history class. These are my worst fears The REAL ONES; the ones that haunt me.
Wow, what a relief to actually admit it. My hope is that these fears will prove to be nothing more than mere “ghost stories” with no truth to them at all in the end. After all, a lifetime of love can not be undone by the distance of any amount of miles. Besides which, I am planning on leaving little notes and surprises for them, as well as mailing postcards daily. I also plan to skype on Sundays. All these plans ease my worries a bit but as they say: only time will tell.
I must tell you that this trip was no flippant decision but it’s not absolutely imperative for our survival as a family either. However living is more than surviving it means growing. This includes my growth and development as well as theirs. I do not want to teach my girls by example that in order to be a “good mom” you have to stay home and give up all your own dreams and ambitions. This is not what I want for them. I want them to be happy and well rounded, I want them to develop their talents and be all they can be including experiencing the joy of motherhood but not to the exclusion of all else. I’ve done that before, it leads to a dark place where motherhood is no longer a privilege but a prison. It’s not a pretty place to be. That was some time ago but now I am here! And I am ready for a great adventure and sure that I’ll return an even better mother than the one who left. Why? You may well ask. Because, I’ll show my two beautiful little girls how to reach for “IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS” and face your fears in order to be the best person you can possibly be. I will return “hungry” to be with them and make the moments count. And, in the mean time, my sole will be expanding so that when I do return there will be more of me to give because it didn’t exist before I left. This is my HOPE on which I will go forward with faith in the future and our growth as a family.