I am sorry to have been MIA for so long! I understand the pains and frustrations of FEA and our amazing sponsors but I swear I am slowly drowning in school work and… LIFE. :)
But I have finally crossed over the big 1 MONTH THRESHOLD of being alive and well in Thailand–well, kind of “well”–and I want to apologize beforehand for those who are offended with my Californian slang and my… unprofessionalism? But on this blogpost, I just want to update everyone with how I am feeling and how my thoughts are currently. Ummm, BEWARE Grammar Police—English is my second language therefore there will be mistakes on here but everything will come together and flow somehow and I just want to emphasize on the CONTENT and not my grammar. I have extreme sass so I apologize for that too. :) Much love.
First and foremost, Thailand is a beautiful country and I am located right in the middle of the most religious part of Thailand. Chiang Mai is a sacred city; it hosts tons of temples and the beautiful Doi Suthep. So therefore, I feel super–duper safe here. Probably the most dangerous thing here are the flying crickets. They are soooooo scandalous. They literally fly EVERYWHERE. This one time I was eating an ice cream and chilling outside with my friend and the Flying Cricket decides to fly and smack me right on the forehead. I was screaming and I probably woke up a lot of people but… you live and you learn to not disturb the flying crickets. :) So those who will travel to Thailand, beware of the crickets. :)
But let’s switch the tone of this paper down.
Although I am living in paradise right now, I am feeling very, very depressed. To some degree, I feel guilty for not being 100% happy in this country. But I can’t help but to feel emotionally drained and exhausted all the time. For those who do not understand why I am in Thailand, I will provide some background information:
My parents are the after-products of the Vietnam War. They were Hmong refugees in Thailand and eventually they left for America. My parents are very traditional therefore I never really saw the world through my own lens. But as years passed and I stepped foot into school, I started shaping my own identity. Although they desire me to be more “lady-like”, I am the complete opposite. I am quite rebellious and outspoken. There was a time when I did not value my own heritage and culture due to the culture clash of being both Hmong and American. But after my father passed away in 2015, I felt like I lost everything… like I lost a big part of my identity. Did I even have an identity anymore? Who am I? These questioned lingered in my head for the past three years therefore, I chose to leave for Thailand so I can connect with the Hmong hill-tribes to rebuild my identity.
But lately, I have been so discouraged and lost. The beauty of Thailand has masked the holes in my heart but now my heart is breaking and I feel like I have lost. I understand that I have friends who are willing to help me but this is a battle for myself. I forget why I am here sometimes but when I do realize it, the pain is inevitable. When I think of my family I think of regret before love. I understand that I am quite heard-headed and strong-willed but this internal struggle consumes my soul.
I wish I can rewind time. I would have appreciated the little stuff more. I would have spent more time with my father. I would have told him “I love you” more. I would have hugged him more. I would have cooked for him more. I would have loved him more.
But Time does not wait for anyone.
In my Buddhism class, we learn that life is of impermanence. Nothing lasts forever. Everyone lives to die therefore one should have made their short lifespan worthwhile. Question everything–even the mold society has shaped for you. Make your own decision without influence from others but ensure that you are not hurting yourself or another human being. Because of this class, I started questioning my values. I am becoming more and more aware of my actions and my thoughts. We emphasize on having healthy bodies but we forget to have a healthy mind and heart. My depression still lingers however dwelling in such memories and “weaknesses” is rather a cruel punishment for myself. I see myself as weak but I forget just how important self-love and self-trust is. Therefore, I am currently working on building my character and spirituality. I am not afraid of speaking upon my weaknesses rather I hope for those who are also feeling this way to speak upon their mental health and their current state of mind.
To those who are reading this post, I am sorry to have disappoint you. I am working just as hard as other students but at my own pace. Please bare with me. <3