by
on April 26, 2018 on 4/26/18 from ,

The feeling of nothing more to be gained

The last few weeks here have felt very long. Hungary has become hot and the glow of the city has faded. The math is piling up; there is no free time. Geometry, Analysis, Algebra, Analysis, repeat. My life is some strange cycle of not knowing enough to solve a problem, learning how to solve a problem, realizing I was wrong, finally getting the problem and passing out. The weekend is a myth that only exists back home. Nothing seems to be sticking very well in my mind, there is no more room as of lately. My college career is coming to an end far away from the place it began, and it is making it feel like there is nothing left here for me. I am longing for friends, and the piece of paper that signifies 4 years of hard work.

I can’t keep my mind on my tasks. The combination of seeing their lack of immediate worth to my life, and the potential futility of my end goal is potent; leaving me feeling very devoid of value. I have been looking back a lot wondering why I came to college in the first place. I didn’t come to secure a good job, I could have done that many different and easier ways. I haven’t been able to find what I was looking for these last four years. I’m not sure exactly where to continue my search. Thus, I am stuck dumbfounded hoping my strange adventure isn’t coming to an end, but I don’t know what mountain to climb next, or which is best suited for all the tools I have gained. I suppose it is once again time to weight all my options and decide which direction I want to guide my life. I will have to get out my map, find a suitable path, and prepare myself for the next journey. It is a bit to soon  to do all of this in my opinion but I don’t have another option. There are so many places my mind wants to go, but now more than ever I see I can’t visit them all and it has been weighing on me.

In some sense, the end of Budapest, the end of college feels like the end of being a dreamer. Reality has been hitting me over and over, telling me its time to come back to real life and become just another person who does the average thing people do and goes about the monotony of ordinary life with a smile. I don’t want this at all though, but in some sense I can also see that there is nothing more for me to gain here. I’m not sure I get to continue adventuring in the intellectual wilderness, its less and less charted, and I don’t have the experience go out on my own yet and may never be able to because I don’t have the talent for it. All I can do now though is work for the dream of getting to explode the area that’s not on the map.