by
on April 12, 2018 on 4/12/18 from ,

Between Here and the Between

Time seems to be at a standstill these days. The days are so long, so slow. Minutes of math compound into hours of problem solving that dissolve into days of self-doubt which seem homogenous in months of comprehension. Life is very busy. Somethings are going better than expected, somethings are behind the curve. Currently in the timeline of my life I am in between here and the in between I imagine myself getting through to achieve what I really want. To become a mathematician is a tall task, one so tall it is hard to look back and notice all the work and details involved in the it climb. Yet, it is a short enough task that it is easy to notice wherever you aren’t making progress towards you goal or move backwards. Maybe it just seems this way because it is always easier to notice how far away the mountain peak is while you are striving toward it. To turn around as you make your trek is to gaze upon your failure. The danger with turning around is the temptation of being happy with it and stopping. Eventual math becomes a lot like mountain climbing. I continue to do it because I am are here, not because I enjoy it, but rather because I hate the feeling of not doing it, of not pushing myself to climb higher and being done. Of course, it would be ludicrous to never stop and smell the roses, but it must be well measured breaks. Stop for to long and you never start again. Stop to little and you will die before you reach the top.

So here I am writing my blog posts once again, between the in between. A stop on the climb allowing room for reflection and a glance but never a gaze back on the distance covered. The path is rocky, and certainly less well traveled than before. I can see the places close by that I stumbled and fell, had to change my root, whether for lack of tools or simplicities sake, and the obstacles I have overcome. To look back is to be happy, but one cannot look back frequently, happiness is not the goal, and this type of happiness is elusive. Looking back leads to a sense of accomplishment that is not yet deserved, and will soon diminish. Looking back leads to thinking you have done so much, and forgetting there is so much more to do. Looking back is the start of the path down the mountain.

I can’t stay here any longer, though it is nice to do other things. I can hear the climb calling again.