I don’t want to leave

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Kelany M

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Kelany M

<i>Home Institution</i>: Bard College <i>Expected Graduation Year</i>: 2024 <i>Academic Major / Minor</i>: Asian Studies & Global and International Studies <i>Destination</i>: Taipei, Taiwan <i>"Hello" in your host country's language</i>: ไฝ ๅฅฝ <i>Program Provider</i>: CET <i>Demographics</i>: Hispanic/Latinx, U.S. Immigrant, First-Generation American, First-Generation College Student <i>Future Career Goals</i>: I hope to get a masters degree on global education and join an organization/institution that makes study abroad more accessible to students in and outside the United States. <i>Top Three Study Abroad Goals</i>: Improve my Chinese language skills — I would love to reach advance level; Understand the effects of transnationalism/globalization on the local community through community engagement and more formally through my internship; Learn about and engage in Taiwanese culture and also share my own

I have less than two weeks left in Taiwan, a final 10-page essay to write, a final Chinese Langauge exam, friends to say goodbye to, and gifts to buy. But all I want is to pause. I want to pause, analyze, pause, reflect, pause, and pray. Iโ€™m not ready to leave Taiwan. As someone who is goal-oriented and prides herself in being organized and diligent, I feel all sorts of messiness in my head, heart, and studies. Everything feels like itโ€™s going too fast and I canโ€™t seem to get a hold of myself. At the same time, everything is falling into place: the fear I had of missing out, not making meaningful friendships, not learning enough Chinese, and not being the smartest person in the class are all gone. Yet, I only have a week and a half left to spend with new friends and prepare for my finals. I can now say that I love the way things have been here in Taiwan, my process of adapting, making friends, reflecting on my failures and wins, and finally realizing I have to leave very soon. I canโ€™t believe it. But that is how life works, once you have figured it out, it is time to move on. Iโ€™m okay with that, we have seasons in life, and being in Taiwan is one of them. Iโ€™m excited and super nervous to see where everything I have learned in Taiwan will lead me once Iโ€™m back in New York City. But I will miss everything about Taipei terribly.

Reflecting on my time here in Taiwan, I am once again reminded of the temporariness of things. Before I came here, I never thought I would be saying โ€œI donโ€™t want to leaveโ€. My goal was to just get here, improve my Chinese language skills, learn about Taiwanese culture, go back to my home university, and start my senior year. Now, I am not even sure what I will do during my senior year. All I can think about is what I can do to come back to Taiwan. Do I apply to do grad school here or do I apply for Fulbright to come here and teach English? Should I just take a gap year to stay here for a few months? Or should I cling to my pre-study abroad dream of applying to my dream university and studying international education? It is crazy how three months can change your whole trajectory. Now I truly know that it takes three months to establish a habit or change a belief. It also takes about 60 days to get accustomed to a new Environment. Iโ€™m smiling now. My first month and a half in Taiwan werenโ€™t great, there were times I felt lonely and other times I felt ashamed of not being as smart as my classmates (I was used to being so intelligent at my home university). Now all of that has passed, I learned to make friends and I donโ€™t take myself so seriously. But as soon as I realized that I had acquired those skills through my life experiences, I realize I am off to something new. I think this is something beautiful, I love to be challenged. I want to see where the next few days lead me.