by
on April 13, 2019 on 4/13/19

entry3: me working out my internal dilemmas with this blog. hi.

 // yeah.. so these uploads are as sporadic as they could possibly be.

lemme just spill my thoughts here for a sec. this one is for me.
[disclaimer: none of the following is actually anything at all about vietnam]

although it’s funny. i have it in my head that one of the main requirements of this blog is to keep it up every week. technically, i think that’s actually the case. although i’ve been wholeheartedly avoiding that responsibility this whole time. something about reflecting and processing every week has me hesitant to do this. i’m someone who processes a lot.. uhh, most things – pretty slowly i think, but it’s also the fact that i’d be publishing my reflections for anyone to read. i’ve always been hesitant to post my thoughts and words online.

i want my words and meaning and tone of my entries to come out right. although pulling that off all the time is super hard, which is why i’ve never attempted to commit myself to such a thing before. my writing capabilities aren’t at that level, and i’m not so dedicated to writing that i would work to improve those skills, so i don’t know what i’m thinking, imposing that expectation upon myself.
// those obstructive, perfectionistic tendencies really got me! hah //

but anyways, i can’t get rid of the thought, so therein lies the problem.

i think it also -possibly-  has something to do with the ‘it will be eternally imprinted onto multitudes of data servers and/or can be used against me in some trivial/ stalkery way someday //jk that totally can’t be real (umm??). but either way –

i suppose it doesn’t matter to me if anyone actually ends up clicking on my name and entries and reads these or not – just the fact that my reflections (what i’ve always thought of for a while now as a spilling of guts and basically a stream of consciousness) are on the internet for anyone to see (for.. ever??).

# # # #

and i’m gonna be truthful with my opinions of what i see and feel on here, no doubt. the issue here for me is choosing which parts of my guts to spill and how to present it nicely so that the words i choose are palatable for those who read this. of course,

i know that’s not the core of what this blog is supposed to be (i think???). and i don’t think it’s supposed to be palatable for that anyone/everyone group – that’s impossible, but i also don’t think this is the place to post my random reflections (although follow me through and watch it turn into that anyways haha)

i actually don’t remember what michelle foley said to us during that webinar when she first introduced the blog and wordpress website to us. about what and who this blog is for. me, my friends? fea, and their possible donors? my possible employers? There’s also all these ‘suggestions’ about what kinds of themes im supposed to hit in my blog. i don’t know if i’m hitting them, ..or how much i’m willing to think about altering my writings to line up more closely to match those themes. there’s a lot that jumbles around in my head when i think about this blog.

I think I want to make this well written for the audience intended. I guess I don’t know who I’m writing to. Or for? It’s making it hard for me //

// but for now!

I think I’m make time and allow myself to set up mental boundaries laying all these things out. Themes I should cover and who I’m writing for (although putting it like that doesn’t make it seem so complicated =.= // it’s just too jumbled in my head rn). I haven’t figured it out yet. I’ll let you know when I do!! //
(( sigh, tbh i don’t think i needed to take this process as seriously as i am right now ahhhh, but i guess i can’t help it. ))

sorry this wasn’t exactly about vn, or my travels.
this was a step i needed to take to clear my head, though. So..

// see ya ~soon~ on the next blog post!
// we’ll see what happens next (lol &when – i’ll always keep ya on your toes!!)
// but also thanks for reading if you did!! i appreciate youuu c: